A Boo and a Bath

Everything is falling into place at the McBride house. Although Beau hasn't slept through the night yet and gets her routine (feed-wake-sleep) reversed sometimes, she seems to be getting use to life and our schedule. She smiles more now and is filling out some of her clothes. She might even be moving up to number 1 diapers now instead of newborns soon.

She meet her Great-Granddaddy Pa this weekend. He was so cute talking to her and telling her that he had been waiting a long time to meet her, how she needs to straighten out her boy 2nd cousins and how he wanted to take her to NC with him because we were gong to spoil her down here. Like he wouldn't....

She also had her first Halloween. Although she didn't have an actual costume she did look sweet in her pumpkin, onesie, tu-tu outfit her Shug bought for her. She even went to CandyFest for a little while and got to show off her outfit to some people from church. She was so sweet!

Oh and she has started sleeping in her crib! I am so proud of her! Now we can move the pack-n-play out from in front of the fireplace just in time for the cooler weather to arrive.

We also shot a little video of her bath time, so enjoy how cute she is!

One Month Down

At 0ne month old, we are finally adjusting to our new lives, baby, mommy and daddy. Beau is learning to nurse very well and she is growing a lot. She is sleeping good at night, but still wakes up at least once to eat. But I think she is moving towards sleeping through the night and will be getting the hang of it soon. She is more alert this week and is focusing on faces more and smiling a whole lot more! I love her little smile and find myself making funny faces and talking in baby voices for a good portion of my day just trying to make her smile more.

As for me, I am getting use to limited sleep and learning to function on the smallest amount of sleep in my life. Which I better get use to it because I probably will be doing this for years to come. My crying has settled down for the most part and I am getting more comfortable with my responsibilities as a mom.

I have found that these feelings grow stronger everyday...

1. My love for Beau
2. My love for Buddy
3. My appreciation for my mom for what she did and does
4. My confidence as a mom
5. My reliance on God for everything

And I hope that they never stop growing and I never lose sight of them even at my weakest moments.

Solo

Yeah so going on week 3, I am officially on my own with the little one. She had an action packed weekend filled with lots of company and her first visit(s) to Shug and Papa Jim’s house. So she was a bit fussy Saturday and Sunday night, which did not do anything for my lack of sleep and attitude or Buddy’s sleep either, and he had to go to work the next day!

I am getting the hang of motherhood, but I have also started to notice a new addition to my insecurity level which is common (I am sure) in every new mom…”Am I being a good mom?”

I feel like I need to want to hold her more, or I need to play with her more while she is awake, or I need to talk to her more, but with the lack of sleep all I want to do is feed her and put her back down to sleep most of the time. Is this wrong? I get the impression that most moms want to hold their babies all the time and spend as much time with them as they can. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love her very much and wouldn’t change anything, but I can’t wait to go somewhere by myself or with Buddy…alone. I am trying to get her comfortable with a bottle so we can go out for our anniversary this weekend, and so I can have some extra sleep and time to myself when I need it.

I don’t think I’m awful or a bad mom, but it’s probably just going to take some getting use to. Our lives have been flipped around and shaken up, and once I figure out which way is up I am sure things will start to level out to a new normal.

That’s what I have to remember, things will never be like they were before. But we can still have bits of our old lives sprinkled in with the new. And I have come to find that those “normal” moments of our previous life, pre-baby, are sweeter, special and treasured now, when I didn’t give them a thought before.

L&D

My water broke at 4 a.m. on Thursday morning, September 17. I felt something when I was in bed and jumped up out of bed, when it was confirmed that my water had broken and I had not just peed on myself. I scared Buddy to death as he came out of the bathroom in pitch dark and was face to face with me as I said, "I think my water just broke." He jumped back and said, "Mallory!" in a frustrated voice and then took an step back and said, "What does that mean? Do we have to go?" I said, "Yep," and off I went to gather the last minute items to throw in our bag before we left for the hospital. I was really nervous, and Buddy tried to tell me to calm down, but I just didn't want to forget anything and I was about to deliver a BABY! So yeah I was a little shaky and nervous.

We send out the text messages, called the parents and headed off to the hospital around 4:45. Once we got there Buddy started on the paper work as I was getting settled in, in the labor and delivery room. Gown on, monitors strapped on, ready for the show to begin.

Let me just say now that it is really uncomfortable to have your water break and have to sit in it as it oozes out over the next 10 hours...gross I know.

So I sent out a few emails from my Blackberry to close up some work stuff before my contractions started getting bad. Well they never really got bad, but I called for the epidural at 3 cm anyway.

Epidural...bad decision. Started off good for the first hour, couldn't feel anything. Then my legs started feeling really irritated like they were going to sleep and I wanted to move them all around. Then I started turning over from side to side and I was really uncomfortable. So they thought I was still feeling my contractions except in my legs, so they came in and re-dosed my medication. Bad idea. That made everything worse, so much worse. Then they gave me something to make me completely numb to make all the pain go away. Another bad decision. I still felt the pain in my legs, got really nauseous, felt like I couldn't breathe and still wanted to turn from side to side but couldn't because I was as limp as a noodle. I freaked Buddy out, freaked my mom out and the poor nurse that was taking care of me. When Dr. Gaydos got there she made them stop the medicine and that is when things started getting better. I feel asleep after a while and when I woke up I could move my arms, breathe, felt no more sickness and began to get some feeling back in my legs. When she check me I was 9.5 cm dilated and was getting ready to push.

I felt some contractions that I couldn't talk through, but only on one side of my stomach. I pushed for 6 contractions and little Beau Brezec McBride made her debut into the world. Buddy cut the cord and they cleaned her up, weighted her and gave her some shots. They gave her to me and we had some family time before everyone came in to meet her. We immediatley fell in love with her, along with everyone else.

Beau's Nursery

Here is the completed nursery! I shot a video and also took some pictures.So glad it is done...all we need now is a baby.

3 Weeks To Go!

Where 3 weeks use to fly by, it now feels like an eternity! I keep thinking, "3 weeks, T-H-R-E-E, MORE WEEKS!" I don't think I can do three more weeks of this running to the bathroom twice and hour, or this taking a solid minute to get up from the bed or couch, or this itchy belly that feels like it is about to explode. I really hope and pray she comes early. I'll give her another week before I start getting really anxious, but after September 16, she better be packing her bags and moving on out in the next few days!

We received a surprise gift via UPS yesterday...our Pack and Play! My cousin Judd, his wife Annie, and their twins Kylie and Gavin sent us the last missing piece in our necessary baby items! We are so appreciative and have already put it together in anticipation for her arrival. (Sorry I forgot to take a picture this morning)

Also, I called today and our chair is in! Yay! The ottoman is still not here, but we can at least have the chair and hopefully the ottoman will be on its way shortly and arrive next week.

I have to also say thank you to Buddy who worked almost all day on Labor Day finishing the changing table by my imposed deadline. I know he would rather have spent the time lying on the couch (like I did) but he kept his promise and finished it! So now when we get the chair in the room it will be complete (minus the ottoman). Sigh of relief. Now I feel like she can come...well after I pack my bags. Then she can come.

More pictures to come tomorrow of the completed room! Yay!

4 Weeks To Go

Well hopefully less. I am wanting to accomplish a lot of things this Labor Day weekend and then I will be ready for my own labor day...well at least feel ready. Buddy has told me that the changing table will be done this weekend (yay!), hopefully we will get a call this week about our chair being in (double yay!) and then the returns and shopping starts for all those last minute things. I need to order the pack-n-play too. I received a gracious gift card from the hostesses of one of my showers so that will go a long way in getting that. Here are pictures of some of the great things we got from one of our showers this weekend:

The SNUZZLER! From Aunt Marla

Kalincom Diaper Bag: Kiwi From Gigi

Bouncy Seat from Memaw (Megan's Memaw)

Handmade smocked dress and bonnet, and monogrammed diaper cover: From Gigi

Bathtime!: From Shug

As for our emotional and physical state this week...well I would say it is a lot better than the last two weeks. I have not cried once yet, but it's only Wednesday. Pray that I can keep this streak up. Buddy is helping me a lot. He seems to be the only person that can get me in a better mood almost immediately, make me smile when I want to cry and take care of my insecurities and emotional state like no one else. I really love him a lot...and I know he loves me too.

We need to put the car seat in the car, pack our bags and pack the diaper bag, wash baby clothes and breathe! If we can do all of that, I think we will be prepared.

Oh and we have to fit in some football this weekend. I am so glad that football will return this weekend. I have missed it so much. War Eagle! Go Dawgs! Beat Bama! (whoever you are)

5 Weeks To Go

I feel like we can begin to count down instead of up now since we have made it to Week 35.

Thanks for all the support from everyone last week. It really did lift my spirits to know that so many of you have been in the same place I am now, and that I am not an uncharted island of emotions. I don't feel as self aware this week, I actually feel more like I am floating and feel nothing. Maybe it's because of all the unexplained crying spells, which have caused me to become congested and the lack of sleep. Rough.

I did have two great bright spots in my weekend though.

1. I got to visit my second home (Auburn, Ala.) for a semi-reunion with some sorority sisters at Emma Keller Hunts wedding. She was beautiful! And it was great to see some friends for a while.


2. I had my first baby shower, hosted by June and Jay Houston. All the ladies that came really touched my heart. All their gifts were so sweet, and I can't wait to put little Beau in all her new outfits!

I spent a lot of time yesterday getting some more stuff organized in the nursery. I can really see it coming together now! We ordered our chair and ottoman last Thursday and it should be here in 2-3 weeks. I am hoping it will come sooner...but doesn't everyone? It is golden yellow and we got it for a great price, thank you Robert Brooks! Also, my dad painted the bookcase (green) and delivered it to the house, and it is already getting full of stuffed animals and books. I will post some pictures once I get the chair in. Then the last piece will be the changing table. Buddy is going to work on it it this week and have it done by Labor day...and I don't mean my labor day I mean September 6, Week 37.

I have 2 more showers this weekend! The first one being hosted by Rebecca Turner, Kathy Sheffield, Jenni Bode, and MeMaw. Then the second one by Aunt Marla for all the aunts (both sisters and friends). I am really excited to see the sweet things that all these special people in my life are going to get for Beau.

Week 34: Honesty

If this post is erratic and doesn't flow as well as the other ones it's because this is how I feel this week...erratic and like everything doesn't make any sense. This is more for me to vent, with the hopes that someone can say, "I know how you feel." No advice, no solutions, just that they can relate.

This week hasn't started off too well. I feel like there is an overwhelming weight on my shoulders and my hands are tied behind my back. As the weeks press in closer and closer to 40, my anxiety levels and hormones have been shooting through the roof. I don't feel comfortable, at all, in any sense. I'm physically uncomfortable (obviously) and emotionally uncomfortable because I can't pinpoint the cause of why I feel the way I do. All I really know is that I need some HELP. And I have plenty of people who are willing to help, I just need to give in and let them help me. Speak up and say what I need or ask if they would be willing to help me without feeling like a lazy bum, because that is the way I feel. I feel like if I admit that I can't do it on my own and I need help that people will roll their eyes at me, tell me to get over it, that everyone else is busy too, or "you’re about to have a baby, if you think this is hard, just wait." I don't want to look like I don't have it under control, because I ALWAYS try to make it look like I have everything under control. But doesn't everyone?

So I am about to take off the mask and let everyone (who wants to know) the dirt behind my pristine exterior. Here are some of the thoughts running around in my head right now. Although most of them are unfounded and ridiculous, it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel, and I am sure a lot of others have and will feel the exact same way:

- I don't want people to ask if they can help, I want them just to see where I am struggling and fix it without me having to say anything. (impossible)
- I want to savor these last days of our newlywed lifestyle, where we can go and do anything we want, whenever we want, and enjoy each other’s company without too much responsibility. But I feel like it is impossible to enjoy it now with the mood I currently find myself in. And I know I won't be able to remember our married life before kids because it was so short, and I'm kind of resentful about that. (honesty)
- I feel like everything isn't going to get done. No matter how much I plan, no matter how much I demand, the nursery will never be ready before she gets here. I need it to be ready. Some people say it doesn't have to be ready, but when they say things like that I want to say ugly things to them along with strangle them. (warning)
- I can't even say, or write this one in the words I hear it in my mind because it sounds so awful. So hopefully I can get this off my chest without it sounding so hurtful and unreasonable. Here it goes. I feel like I am no longer going to matter once our baby is here. I wonder...Who is going to take care for me? Who is going to make sure I am getting everything I need? Are the people that are important and love me now going to see me in the same way? I know everyone will automatically love my baby, but will they still have room to love me? (insecurity)
- To wrap this up I don't want people to ask me anymore, "So is everything ready?" "Are you getting excited?" "How are you feeling?" or anything remotely related to the status of my being or my progress. Because I might just rattle off this list to them and they will think I am the worst person/mother-to-be in the entire world. I am sick of smiling and lying, and acting like everything is O.K. Just don't ask, because you don't want to know. (Or maybe you do, since you made it this far in my pathetic blog entry)

I held back tears as I wrote this one. I am looking for it to help me now, but hopefully in the future it will go on to help someone else who is feeling like I am. I really am anxious for her to be here and to get started with motherhood. I'm just scared and uncertain, as everyone is with every life change. I know I'm not alone and that there are more changes to come. Thanks for the support.

Breastfeeding Class

Last night I had my breastfeeding class. I wouldn't have signed up for it or sought it out had they not told me it was free because of the childbirth class we took and had a signup sheet there at the door when we left. So I figured why not? I don't know what I'm doing, I probably do need a class.

Well I figured it would be a room full of pregnant women without their husbands, so I didn't even think to make Buddy come. So when my mom asked if I wanted her to come the offer was so tempting, and I really did want someone there with me, and there is no better person the than Nurse Mama Kim for that role. But I got to thinking that no one else would have their mom's there, so I decided to be e big girl and go by myself like everyone else.

Wrong. So wrong. When I get there half of them drug their husbands along and two of the women even had their moms! I felt so alone, and wanted someone to drive to downtown Albany ASAP and be there with me! I felt like I was the only one who didn't have anyone. Even the lesbian couple in front of me had each other and I didn't have my husband or my mom! But I put on my big girl pants and just dealt with the fact that I was going to sit there, listen and learn.

Did I mention the air conditioner was out? Yeah a room about the size of two large closets packed full of pregnant women (and the lucky ones with a husband, mom, or "partner") with no air. Yeah this is going to be a great environment for learning. Very conducive. Right.

I fidgeted in my chair the whole two hours. My feet and wrists started swelling (which I noticed about half way through), which just added to the feeling of anxiety that was starting to suffocate me because I was uncomfortable and surrounded by SO MANY PEOPLE.

But all in all the class was very good. I was able to stay focused the whole time and it was all very interesting.

The thing that gets me is how they tell you all these great things like my favorite, "Your body was made for this, you are suppose to breastfeed your baby." Which makes you feel like this whole thing is going to be a breeze. But then they start on things like, "if they don't latch on correctly, you will get soar and have cracked nipples," and "if you have problems, it's ok it might just take some time." Um what happened to the first thing you said about my body being made for this and my baby having an innate nature to nurse? Why is it a learned behavior now?

I guess they are trying to get us all excited and pumped up about taking on this task, then they slowly drop in things that "might" happen to you. I guess if you thought it was going to be easy breezy and it ended up being difficult at first then you might want to give up. They just want you to be prepared...I guess.

And in any case I am fortunate to have a great lactation center here in Albany that I can go visit if I DO have problems. Hopefully not though. Pray it all goes smoothly!