Week 34: Honesty

If this post is erratic and doesn't flow as well as the other ones it's because this is how I feel this week...erratic and like everything doesn't make any sense. This is more for me to vent, with the hopes that someone can say, "I know how you feel." No advice, no solutions, just that they can relate.

This week hasn't started off too well. I feel like there is an overwhelming weight on my shoulders and my hands are tied behind my back. As the weeks press in closer and closer to 40, my anxiety levels and hormones have been shooting through the roof. I don't feel comfortable, at all, in any sense. I'm physically uncomfortable (obviously) and emotionally uncomfortable because I can't pinpoint the cause of why I feel the way I do. All I really know is that I need some HELP. And I have plenty of people who are willing to help, I just need to give in and let them help me. Speak up and say what I need or ask if they would be willing to help me without feeling like a lazy bum, because that is the way I feel. I feel like if I admit that I can't do it on my own and I need help that people will roll their eyes at me, tell me to get over it, that everyone else is busy too, or "you’re about to have a baby, if you think this is hard, just wait." I don't want to look like I don't have it under control, because I ALWAYS try to make it look like I have everything under control. But doesn't everyone?

So I am about to take off the mask and let everyone (who wants to know) the dirt behind my pristine exterior. Here are some of the thoughts running around in my head right now. Although most of them are unfounded and ridiculous, it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel, and I am sure a lot of others have and will feel the exact same way:

- I don't want people to ask if they can help, I want them just to see where I am struggling and fix it without me having to say anything. (impossible)
- I want to savor these last days of our newlywed lifestyle, where we can go and do anything we want, whenever we want, and enjoy each other’s company without too much responsibility. But I feel like it is impossible to enjoy it now with the mood I currently find myself in. And I know I won't be able to remember our married life before kids because it was so short, and I'm kind of resentful about that. (honesty)
- I feel like everything isn't going to get done. No matter how much I plan, no matter how much I demand, the nursery will never be ready before she gets here. I need it to be ready. Some people say it doesn't have to be ready, but when they say things like that I want to say ugly things to them along with strangle them. (warning)
- I can't even say, or write this one in the words I hear it in my mind because it sounds so awful. So hopefully I can get this off my chest without it sounding so hurtful and unreasonable. Here it goes. I feel like I am no longer going to matter once our baby is here. I wonder...Who is going to take care for me? Who is going to make sure I am getting everything I need? Are the people that are important and love me now going to see me in the same way? I know everyone will automatically love my baby, but will they still have room to love me? (insecurity)
- To wrap this up I don't want people to ask me anymore, "So is everything ready?" "Are you getting excited?" "How are you feeling?" or anything remotely related to the status of my being or my progress. Because I might just rattle off this list to them and they will think I am the worst person/mother-to-be in the entire world. I am sick of smiling and lying, and acting like everything is O.K. Just don't ask, because you don't want to know. (Or maybe you do, since you made it this far in my pathetic blog entry)

I held back tears as I wrote this one. I am looking for it to help me now, but hopefully in the future it will go on to help someone else who is feeling like I am. I really am anxious for her to be here and to get started with motherhood. I'm just scared and uncertain, as everyone is with every life change. I know I'm not alone and that there are more changes to come. Thanks for the support.