If this post is erratic and doesn't flow as well as the other ones it's because this is how I feel this week...erratic and like everything doesn't make any sense. This is more for me to vent, with the hopes that someone can say, "I know how you feel." No advice, no solutions, just that they can relate.
This week hasn't started off too well. I feel like there is an overwhelming weight on my shoulders and my hands are tied behind my back. As the weeks press in closer and closer to 40, my anxiety levels and hormones have been shooting through the roof. I don't feel comfortable, at all, in any sense. I'm physically uncomfortable (obviously) and emotionally uncomfortable because I can't pinpoint the cause of why I feel the way I do. All I really know is that I need some HELP. And I have plenty of people who are willing to help, I just need to give in and let them help me. Speak up and say what I need or ask if they would be willing to help me without feeling like a lazy bum, because that is the way I feel. I feel like if I admit that I can't do it on my own and I need help that people will roll their eyes at me, tell me to get over it, that everyone else is busy too, or "you’re about to have a baby, if you think this is hard, just wait." I don't want to look like I don't have it under control, because I ALWAYS try to make it look like I have everything under control. But doesn't everyone?
So I am about to take off the mask and let everyone (who wants to know) the dirt behind my pristine exterior. Here are some of the thoughts running around in my head right now. Although most of them are unfounded and ridiculous, it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel, and I am sure a lot of others have and will feel the exact same way:
- I don't want people to ask if they can help, I want them just to see where I am struggling and fix it without me having to say anything. (impossible)
- I want to savor these last days of our newlywed lifestyle, where we can go and do anything we want, whenever we want, and enjoy each other’s company without too much responsibility. But I feel like it is impossible to enjoy it now with the mood I currently find myself in. And I know I won't be able to remember our married life before kids because it was so short, and I'm kind of resentful about that. (honesty)
- I feel like everything isn't going to get done. No matter how much I plan, no matter how much I demand, the nursery will never be ready before she gets here. I need it to be ready. Some people say it doesn't have to be ready, but when they say things like that I want to say ugly things to them along with strangle them. (warning)
- I can't even say, or write this one in the words I hear it in my mind because it sounds so awful. So hopefully I can get this off my chest without it sounding so hurtful and unreasonable. Here it goes. I feel like I am no longer going to matter once our baby is here. I wonder...Who is going to take care for me? Who is going to make sure I am getting everything I need? Are the people that are important and love me now going to see me in the same way? I know everyone will automatically love my baby, but will they still have room to love me? (insecurity)
- To wrap this up I don't want people to ask me anymore, "So is everything ready?" "Are you getting excited?" "How are you feeling?" or anything remotely related to the status of my being or my progress. Because I might just rattle off this list to them and they will think I am the worst person/mother-to-be in the entire world. I am sick of smiling and lying, and acting like everything is O.K. Just don't ask, because you don't want to know. (Or maybe you do, since you made it this far in my pathetic blog entry)
I held back tears as I wrote this one. I am looking for it to help me now, but hopefully in the future it will go on to help someone else who is feeling like I am. I really am anxious for her to be here and to get started with motherhood. I'm just scared and uncertain, as everyone is with every life change. I know I'm not alone and that there are more changes to come. Thanks for the support.
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Well, I am glad that you could hold back the tears because I didn't!
ReplyDeleteI will say this: I DEFNITELY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! You are certainly not alone - at all! and I don't have any advice to help, other than Pray about it. -which I feel kind of lame in saying, but it's the only thing that even remotely made me feel better.
I can't even tell you how many nervous breakdowns I had when we were getting ready for Raleigh. At one point, I remember throwing an entire box across the room with tears streaming down my face and screaming, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS!!! at George while he just stood there helplessly. :( I would cry myself to sleep at night. I'd go get in SJ's bed and cry because I just KNEW that her life as she knew it would never be the same, and she didn't ask for any of it.
As for the newlywed life ending, I totally and completely 100% get that too - we were married for 4 months when we found out SJ was coming. I cried like a baby then too. I won't lie and tell you it's easy, because it isn't -It's hard, but you'll have lots of people to watch Beau (I'll watch her ANYTIME you guys need a date night, because I have totally been there and I KNOW how important those few hours here and there are) - 6 years later, they're still that important and even more special.
As for feeling like people will forget about you, you aren't alone in that one too - I think the fact that you said that out loud is awesome b/c I don't know anyone that has had a baby that didn't feel that way! I have to MAKE time to take care of me with pedi's, shopping trips (and make a point to only buy things for ME), etc. It helps, it really does!
I's so sorry you feel this way, but I totally get it! I wish that there was something I could do to help! Hopefull this shower on Sunday will lift your spirits some.
I know you said you didn't want any advice, and that's a good thing because I don't have any to give - but I will say a prayer for you, just for YOU - for peace of mind and comfort (physically, mentally, and emotionally). Please don't feel like you're crazy for feeling like any of this - you aren't... and if you are, then I was too! -Jay
This has helped me tremendously! I know the shower on Sunday will lift my mood and make me more excited instead of in a constant state of anxiety. I am so glad just to hear someone say that they have been there and understand and that all moms-to-be feel this way at some point.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support through all this! I feel your prayer working, because I feel so much better about it today!
You will always be Mallory in my mind (not mom), and I couldn't forget about you no matter how adorable and wonderful this little girl will be :) I can't relate, yet, but I will promise to steal you away from home (Buddy and Beau included or not) for some fun Savannah weekends and girls vacations. Love!
ReplyDeleteI will always love you for you.Glad you are better sometimes it helps to just" Say It."
ReplyDeleteI remember Bruce Smith turning to me on one of Landra's baby checkups and saying "How are you doing Gayle?". I was so awed that someone asked me how I was!! even though I know people had asked, it just blessed me that morning. You two are strong and I pray God fills you with peace and wisdom in the midst of these changes. Yes, you know you can call any of us to come wash dishes or laundry if you need it.
ReplyDeleteHey Mallory! I know you probably don't even know I read your blog (but I LOVE it) and I will be praying for you, Beau, and Buddy, during this crazy time!
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