5 Weeks To Go

I feel like we can begin to count down instead of up now since we have made it to Week 35.

Thanks for all the support from everyone last week. It really did lift my spirits to know that so many of you have been in the same place I am now, and that I am not an uncharted island of emotions. I don't feel as self aware this week, I actually feel more like I am floating and feel nothing. Maybe it's because of all the unexplained crying spells, which have caused me to become congested and the lack of sleep. Rough.

I did have two great bright spots in my weekend though.

1. I got to visit my second home (Auburn, Ala.) for a semi-reunion with some sorority sisters at Emma Keller Hunts wedding. She was beautiful! And it was great to see some friends for a while.


2. I had my first baby shower, hosted by June and Jay Houston. All the ladies that came really touched my heart. All their gifts were so sweet, and I can't wait to put little Beau in all her new outfits!

I spent a lot of time yesterday getting some more stuff organized in the nursery. I can really see it coming together now! We ordered our chair and ottoman last Thursday and it should be here in 2-3 weeks. I am hoping it will come sooner...but doesn't everyone? It is golden yellow and we got it for a great price, thank you Robert Brooks! Also, my dad painted the bookcase (green) and delivered it to the house, and it is already getting full of stuffed animals and books. I will post some pictures once I get the chair in. Then the last piece will be the changing table. Buddy is going to work on it it this week and have it done by Labor day...and I don't mean my labor day I mean September 6, Week 37.

I have 2 more showers this weekend! The first one being hosted by Rebecca Turner, Kathy Sheffield, Jenni Bode, and MeMaw. Then the second one by Aunt Marla for all the aunts (both sisters and friends). I am really excited to see the sweet things that all these special people in my life are going to get for Beau.

Week 34: Honesty

If this post is erratic and doesn't flow as well as the other ones it's because this is how I feel this week...erratic and like everything doesn't make any sense. This is more for me to vent, with the hopes that someone can say, "I know how you feel." No advice, no solutions, just that they can relate.

This week hasn't started off too well. I feel like there is an overwhelming weight on my shoulders and my hands are tied behind my back. As the weeks press in closer and closer to 40, my anxiety levels and hormones have been shooting through the roof. I don't feel comfortable, at all, in any sense. I'm physically uncomfortable (obviously) and emotionally uncomfortable because I can't pinpoint the cause of why I feel the way I do. All I really know is that I need some HELP. And I have plenty of people who are willing to help, I just need to give in and let them help me. Speak up and say what I need or ask if they would be willing to help me without feeling like a lazy bum, because that is the way I feel. I feel like if I admit that I can't do it on my own and I need help that people will roll their eyes at me, tell me to get over it, that everyone else is busy too, or "you’re about to have a baby, if you think this is hard, just wait." I don't want to look like I don't have it under control, because I ALWAYS try to make it look like I have everything under control. But doesn't everyone?

So I am about to take off the mask and let everyone (who wants to know) the dirt behind my pristine exterior. Here are some of the thoughts running around in my head right now. Although most of them are unfounded and ridiculous, it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel, and I am sure a lot of others have and will feel the exact same way:

- I don't want people to ask if they can help, I want them just to see where I am struggling and fix it without me having to say anything. (impossible)
- I want to savor these last days of our newlywed lifestyle, where we can go and do anything we want, whenever we want, and enjoy each other’s company without too much responsibility. But I feel like it is impossible to enjoy it now with the mood I currently find myself in. And I know I won't be able to remember our married life before kids because it was so short, and I'm kind of resentful about that. (honesty)
- I feel like everything isn't going to get done. No matter how much I plan, no matter how much I demand, the nursery will never be ready before she gets here. I need it to be ready. Some people say it doesn't have to be ready, but when they say things like that I want to say ugly things to them along with strangle them. (warning)
- I can't even say, or write this one in the words I hear it in my mind because it sounds so awful. So hopefully I can get this off my chest without it sounding so hurtful and unreasonable. Here it goes. I feel like I am no longer going to matter once our baby is here. I wonder...Who is going to take care for me? Who is going to make sure I am getting everything I need? Are the people that are important and love me now going to see me in the same way? I know everyone will automatically love my baby, but will they still have room to love me? (insecurity)
- To wrap this up I don't want people to ask me anymore, "So is everything ready?" "Are you getting excited?" "How are you feeling?" or anything remotely related to the status of my being or my progress. Because I might just rattle off this list to them and they will think I am the worst person/mother-to-be in the entire world. I am sick of smiling and lying, and acting like everything is O.K. Just don't ask, because you don't want to know. (Or maybe you do, since you made it this far in my pathetic blog entry)

I held back tears as I wrote this one. I am looking for it to help me now, but hopefully in the future it will go on to help someone else who is feeling like I am. I really am anxious for her to be here and to get started with motherhood. I'm just scared and uncertain, as everyone is with every life change. I know I'm not alone and that there are more changes to come. Thanks for the support.

Breastfeeding Class

Last night I had my breastfeeding class. I wouldn't have signed up for it or sought it out had they not told me it was free because of the childbirth class we took and had a signup sheet there at the door when we left. So I figured why not? I don't know what I'm doing, I probably do need a class.

Well I figured it would be a room full of pregnant women without their husbands, so I didn't even think to make Buddy come. So when my mom asked if I wanted her to come the offer was so tempting, and I really did want someone there with me, and there is no better person the than Nurse Mama Kim for that role. But I got to thinking that no one else would have their mom's there, so I decided to be e big girl and go by myself like everyone else.

Wrong. So wrong. When I get there half of them drug their husbands along and two of the women even had their moms! I felt so alone, and wanted someone to drive to downtown Albany ASAP and be there with me! I felt like I was the only one who didn't have anyone. Even the lesbian couple in front of me had each other and I didn't have my husband or my mom! But I put on my big girl pants and just dealt with the fact that I was going to sit there, listen and learn.

Did I mention the air conditioner was out? Yeah a room about the size of two large closets packed full of pregnant women (and the lucky ones with a husband, mom, or "partner") with no air. Yeah this is going to be a great environment for learning. Very conducive. Right.

I fidgeted in my chair the whole two hours. My feet and wrists started swelling (which I noticed about half way through), which just added to the feeling of anxiety that was starting to suffocate me because I was uncomfortable and surrounded by SO MANY PEOPLE.

But all in all the class was very good. I was able to stay focused the whole time and it was all very interesting.

The thing that gets me is how they tell you all these great things like my favorite, "Your body was made for this, you are suppose to breastfeed your baby." Which makes you feel like this whole thing is going to be a breeze. But then they start on things like, "if they don't latch on correctly, you will get soar and have cracked nipples," and "if you have problems, it's ok it might just take some time." Um what happened to the first thing you said about my body being made for this and my baby having an innate nature to nurse? Why is it a learned behavior now?

I guess they are trying to get us all excited and pumped up about taking on this task, then they slowly drop in things that "might" happen to you. I guess if you thought it was going to be easy breezy and it ended up being difficult at first then you might want to give up. They just want you to be prepared...I guess.

And in any case I am fortunate to have a great lactation center here in Albany that I can go visit if I DO have problems. Hopefully not though. Pray it all goes smoothly!

Week 33

Baby Beau has upgraded from squash to honeydew this week. And none of the fruit/vegetable examples have felt more appropriate than this one. I look like I literally have a honeydew shoved up my shirt at all times, and she is only going to get bigger from here. My guess is she is weighing in at about 4.6 lbs and is about 18 inches long. I go with a smaller weight and a longer body because she feels really crunched in there. Her head feels like it is on my bladder, but her feet are in my ribs. I have a feeling she is as uncomfortable as I am with all her squirming. Some of those kicks actually hurt pretty badly!

As for this weekend, we didn't do much. Buddy got started on the changing table/dresser and also bought Beau her first diapers when he went to Wal-Mart. I took a much needed break and made a list (a very long list) of things we still need to do, things we still need to buy, and what we need to pack in our hospital bags/diaper bag. I feel a lot more prepared, but the magnitude of the list is a little overwhelming.

But there is light. Buddy's aunt and uncle, Sherri and Andy, bought us the travel system we wanted! It was such a wonderful surprise, unexpected and very generous. We appreciate it soooo much and can't wait till it gets her this week. One more thing checked off the list (a very big thing). Here is a sneak peak in case you want to see what we chose.

Childbirth Class

Buddy and I had our all day child birth class this past Saturday. We were there from 9-5 with a one hour lunch break. It didn't seem as long as I thought it would, but it was pretty long and uncomfortable. Our instructor looked oddly like Mrs. Shelia's twin. She is a nurse on the 5th floor and I hope she is there when we are because I want you all to see this craziness, and also to get a picture of Mrs. Shelia with her side by side.

I did get to feeling really uncomfortable and light headed during the morning session and had to take a 30 minute breather in the lactation room. I had told Buddy I didn't feel good and was going to the bathroom. Well I didn't come back for like 20 minutes because I was sitting in a more comfortable rocking chair in the lactation room where I could still hear what the instructor was saying for the most part. Buddy says the instructor stopped and asks him if I am alright. He turned around and told her he thought I was just standing up in the back this whole time. So off he went to find me with the instructor. When they found me, she told Buddy to bring the rocker out to the room so I could be a part of everything. I felt really bratty being the only one sitting comfortably, but what can I say? I felt better, I'm sorry they didn't think of it first. And I made it back just in time to see the graphic footage of a woman giving birth. When the baby came out (which they showed) I actually said, "Uh" in disgust. It looked disgusting, weird and painful. So glad I am going to be heavily medicated at that point.

That was all before lunch. After lunch we got back and went over what we needed to bring to the hospital, what we should expect happens after we give birth, how to diaper and swaddle a baby, then we had a hospital tour. The tour was probably the most beneficial part of the whole class. I liked to see where I was suppose to go, where everyone else would be in the waiting room and what the rooms looked like.

I will say that the Labor and Delivery room looks like a hotel suite. Which I am guessing they are trying to make you as comfortable as possible while you endure intense pain and raging hormones. Good plan. But you know what's not so good? The broom closet they put you in after you have GIVEN BIRTH! I don't know how they expect you, your husband, the baby and 3 other people plus a nurse to fit into this room. It will make me feel really overwhelmed and nervous if that many people are in my room at a time. I might scream, and possibly do a lot of other things I won't be proud of in the morning. So if I go crazy and tell you to get out, know that I love you and appreciate you coming, but make your visit short or just come see us at the house.

I feel much more prepared now, but it is starting to set in that I actually have to do this soon and that is scary. Approximately 8 weeks from now I will be in the worst pain of my life. The anticipation is anxiety is odd. How can you prepare yourself for pain? Usually you don't know it's coming, but I know it's coming and I have no idea how to prepare for that. And I don't know how either one of us is going to handle it. I am already thinking I might want my mommy (yes I said mommy) in the labor and delivery room. We have decided it will just be me and Buddy, and I am going to try to stick to that. I just have a feeling I might have a break down and want her too and at that point Buddy might want her in there too to take some of the pressure off him. Who knows? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

Sewing Projects Complete!

I am finally done with all three of the sewing projects. The bumper pads and bed skirt rival for taking the most time, and the curtain was a breeze! But all the time was worth it in the end, and I couldn't have done it without my mom's help! Or at least it wouldn't have looked as professional if she hadn't helped. And it would have taken me twice as long, so I am very thankful.

Well here is the new stuff! I hope you all like it, because I L-O-V-E it! So many more colors and it is soothing to the eyes as well as fun and perfect for a baby room.